working too much

sometimes i get really hysterical and decide that i'm working way too much. it's upsetting. here's the thing: last year, i had one class that i essentially had to babysit, instead of getting to teach. i had to design different stuff for them because they couldn't be quiet and listen for more than 10 seconds. i have a class like that this year, too. their skills are incredibly low, and they have been together for so long, and they will barely even try to do something newer or harder. honestly, now i am giving them stuff that they can do, and they are doing it. i have to integrate a lot of art stuff into the class, and basically not require them to be quiet except during tests. it's hard, and it's still tiring, but way less so--this was my first "schedule" week with a dependable structure, and they were definitely more successful and i was less exhausted.

unfortunately, it's like my dirty little secret that they aren't doing grade level work. i feel like if anyone finds out, it will be bad. not that anyone probably will, but still--it is frustrating. even though i am getting them on a dependable schedule, it still detracts from the time i can spend actually developing good lessons and materials for my regular 8th grade classes that are actually doing grade level work. i feel like this is what happened last year, too. it really feels like a barrier to truly becoming a better teacher, and it's very discouraging. it's part of why i'm working so much and not getting to sleep or swim or ride my bicycle enough. jesse and i talked about it yesterday, and i was commenting that i felt too invested, but i don't know how to not be invested and serious. and so the result is that i am probably overly invested in my work.

it makes me really sad that the thing i love to do feels like it's sucking my energy and patience. if you're not a teacher, this might not make sense, i don't know--maybe you are thinking "how can you love something and have it wear you out so much all at the same time?" it is kind of an oxymoron--not sure if that's the right word for the situation, but i think you know what i mean. I definitely want to finish out this year and next. I'm hoping to talk with my school to make some key changes for next year. some of them are simple--like moving classrooms. some are more complex, like a different schedule. we shall see...