looking back and looking forward

so....i've had a revelation lately. i love teaching. it's the best job i've ever had. i was thinking about applying to grad school for next year but i've decided not to--after realizing how much i like my job.

last week, i was a lame teacher. i did NOTHING interesting. everything was out of the book. but there was no egregious misbehavior. in fact, i think the worst thing that happened is that i was super bored, and my students were really bored, too.

the past few years of teaching have been mostly about survival. i've worked a lot because i HAD to. i felt like i didn't have a choice. now, i feel like i have a choice. if i don't have time or motivation to do a lot of prep for school, i know how to get through a day or even a week with minimal prep. i feel like i have agency now and i can choose to work if i want to. it's not just to survive anymore. i choose to work so that i can be a good teacher. i am better at planning effective, objective-driven lessons for my students. i have a much better sense of what will work in my classroom, what will interest my students and make for an effective lesson. i just feel this deep motivation and desire to do the work and get better. i also know how to use my time well--three hours of work is VERY productive for me, whereas in the past i might have been spinning my wheels or stressing or coming up with lame stuff for 2 of those hours. i still dream bigger than i really have time for, but it's not a lack of time because of sleep deprivation or desperation for some time to myself. it's because i'm going to the gym and cooking dinner and seeing friends and taking walks and stuff.

it's just good. life is good.

major frustration

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
okay. so here's the deal with teaching. a lot of teaching is the day-to-day routines, processes, working with the kids, all of that stuff--being in the classroom.
but then there's this other part. in california (as in every state) we have a set of standards. i interpret and assess the standards the best way that i know how--in fact, i think they're fairly clear. but then i look at the standardized tests and they make me want to scream. my understanding of the standards and the state's understanding of the standards are like ships passing in the night--it's like the other one doesn't even exist. i wish someone could sit me down and say "look, this is how this question assesses standard 3.2, because i know you understand it this way, because it seems straightforward, but actually it's cryptic and here's why."

i take a lot of pride in being able to understand other peoples' reasons for what they do, even if i don't agree. and i think this is especially frustrating because i don't understand the REASONS/logic behind the assessments. yes, ultimately i'm talking about the CSTs (california standards tests), also known as STAR tests. the CST assesses in a particular way, so the district gives benchmark tests that assess in the same way. if my kids can do well on the benchmark, does that mean they can do well on the CST? that would be great! however, i can't find the logic behind the CST questions so i can't figure out how to teach the concepts in a way that will help students prepare for the tests. is it teaching to the test? hell yes! but that's what is expected of me right now, so dammit, i *will* show success this year on the tests.

this is the crap that drives me and motivate me and ROYALLY pisses me off and totally confuses me. i wish that i had a grade level colleague who i could sit down and hash this out with. but i don't. my grade level colleagues are all over the map but i don't think either of them would be into this. if you're an 8th grade english teacher and you want to help me or you have figured out the logic of the test makers, post or email me.

overheard in class

well--these two boys were the only ones in class so it wasn't really like i was eavesdropping. they are making advertisements for products that will help you "grow your brain"--the concept being that no one is born smart or dumb, and it's a matter of working hard. it's malleable intelligence. and it's a fun activity--i needed an art project today. i set it up, make some ground rules, then let them create. yesterday they made a draft. maybe i'll post up some photos of good ones if i get to it.

so, here are the conversations i heard between these two black boys. oh, and the product that J. came up with is that the army will make your brain stronger.

Conversation #1: You heard it here in the flesh from students!
T: “I forgot how to spell ‘why’”
J: “W H Y. That’s a baby word, kindergarten.”
T: “Because when you texting you forget your vocabulary.”

Conversation #2: guns
T: “Man, you shouldn’t have made a gun. There’s too much killing.”
J: “But terrorists could kill us though. We need guns.”
T: “But we could still fight even without guns.”
J: “Yeah, I’m gonna research that. Who made up guns?”
Ms. B: "Research that, write and report, and I'll give you extra credit."
J: "Okay."

it was all a bit fascinating to me.

it's been a busy but good week. 37 parents at back to school night!!! whoo hoo! including 50% of parents from my 7th grade class. hopefully we'll win the pizza party! otherwise not much to report. i'm not going to overanalyze these conversations. i think they kind of speak for themselves, pardon the pun.

two stories

i want to share two powerful stories. one happened a few weeks ago. the other was this morning during my second period class. both made me almost cry.

a few weeks ago i was driving up ashby ave with jesse in the car. three black boys on bikes, probably between the ages of 13 and 16, were riding across the street. essentially they were "jaywalking" but very slowly on bicycles. i worried out loud what would happen if someone not paying attention was driving on this very busy street, which is often pretty difficult to get across on a bicycle, and then i honked to "send a message" that they needed to be more careful. i don't think they ever even glanced up.

after they crossed, jesse said that they were part of a group of kids who are very powerless in society. i think this is an appropriate generalization--obviously there are exceptions, but not many. he said that stopping traffic like that is a way for them to feel some power. it's very manipulative but it's true--they had total power over my decision in that moment. if i let them cross, i was deciding to not run into them. if i had kept driving, i would have been deciding to hurt them. either way they held the power right there.

today, we were in the library getting textbooks. i had already taken away a phone from a student, because they are not allowed to have cell phones at school and especially not in class. i try to be pretty strict (and fair) about it. another student (a black boy, probably a little old for his grade--he looks big) took out his phone to show the wallpaper picture to me and some friends, while we were waiting in line. the wallpaper picture was art that said "RIP James" in memory of a dead friend. i weighed the situation against the fact that i had already taken a girl's phone and it wouldn't be fair not to treat the two of them equally. i asked for his phone, saying that i had already taken one and it wouldn't be fair not to take his. rightfully, he refused, saying he wasn't doing anything wrong and he was just showing the background picture. i asked again, very calmly. again, he refused. his friends were all standing right there, too. i decided to let it go for a moment, feeling like i needed to take a moment to think about what to do. i knew that the only way of getting his phone was to send him to the office and that seemed like a bad and ridiculous idea, especially for the 10th day of school.

his reaction was really sudden and was an 180 degree turn from all of the interactions that we've had so far. i could tell it was a really big thing for him, based on the fact that i saw this side of him that i hadn't seen at all yet.

[sidenote: this student has been sucessful in my class so far, and is friends with some other black boys who are doing well in my class. this student is new at our school, and this is his third oakland middle school. chances are high that he moved school at least once because he got expelled from another school. he had a run-in with two administrators on the second day of school, just a few hours after he wrote an incredible poem in my class, going totally above and beyond the assignment that i gave.]

so i let him blow up a little bit, with his friends, and i let go. i stood away from the students a bit, feeling upset and like i could blow our relationship really quickly and lose all my cred and influence with him in this one moment. even now, it makes me feel a little bit choked up. i decided that i needed to make a very strategic decision about how to deal with this. that's when i thought about those boys crossing the street on ashby. my student is part of that same group--powerless, poor black teenage boy, bouncing around from school to school, with his friends in the same situation. i was trying to take his power, and he took control in the situation. that time, though, i had three choices--send him to the office, do nothing (showing him and his friends that i wasn't capable of enforcing the rules), or making things right in the way that i knew how. i didn't have that third option with the boys on the street, but i do have a relationship with this student, and i knew what was the right decision to make.

i let him cool off for a few minutes and then i said to him, "i'd like to talk to you. do you want to talk now or after class?" i could tell he was still heated because he said, "now" very forcefully. that set off a warning bell in my head but i wasn't going to back off. i pulled him to the side and said, "i know that you weren't texting or doing anything wrong. the next time you want to show me and your friends something, wait until the passing period. you can have your phone out in the classroom, just not during class. i was glad that you showed me the picture. i did take a phone away from another student and it's not fair for me to do nothing. if i see your phone again, i am going to have to take it. i'm not going to call you out in front of class, or make a big deal about it, but i will ask you to give it to me. please keep it put away. okay?" he nodded and said "yes" and the energy between us changed back to where it usually is. i could tell just by his tone, posture, and a very subtle relieved look on his face that i had dealt with this the right way--that third option that i took a chance on.

when we got back to class, he worked really hard on the assignment and waited to turn it in until the very end because he was finishing it. that was a message to me that we were back to normal and maybe he even trusts me a little more now. i wonder if i should have pushed in the first place--but i guess i learned my lesson.

so--where does this leave me? did i empower my student in any way? did i give him what he needed? would it have been better to just let it go completely and give him total power? or did i do the right thing as the adult and set a limit, in a functional way, that didn't punish him, since he didn't do a lot wrong? and, this was a small allowance of power to him. what do i do in my classroom, and outside of my classroom, to move toward having boys like my student or the boys crossing the street feel more power in society and have more power--positive power that doesn't take power away from other people or force others into no-win situations?

NO HM?

Okay--I am going to find out the answer to this. Has anyone ever seen a sign on the road with the letters "HM" really big, with an X through it? It is the same type of sign as a no u-turn sign. Email me if you know. I am determined to know. Jesse and I saw two of them in Berkeley yesterday!! It's not in the DMV handbook or anything.

School Started!

Actually, I should have blogged awhile ago and I think I started an entry but I never finished it. So, school began on august 25. i feel like i have a different job from the last two years. i mean, in a way things are the same but i just know that it is so much easier to do a good job this year. i have stuff prepared, or if it's not prepared, i can prepare it quickly. also, my classes are all 50 minutes long (or 35 minutes today because it's a minimum day). that is sooo much easier. i know there are kids who would have a really hard time sitting through a two hour class with me. but nobody is being subjected to that (at least not in my classroom) so it works out okay. we can tolerate each other for 50 minutes!

actually, i was inspired to blog right now because my principal just came into my classroom, of course to see how i'm doing and if i have all of the right stuff. well, here's what i have: work up on the walls, evidence of an "under the surface question strategy" in my agenda (golden line, which i love!!!), an objective, an agenda, work on the board, and students working on clustering ideas about their name--very engaging and community-building for the second week of school. i'm sure there's something i'm missing and of course they probably should have been doing some kind of pair work but wow--i feel pretty proud of what i've done so far. i got this really cool series of lessons which culminates in students writing about their names, from a book that i got from a writing workshop this summer. it uses an essay by sandra cisneros which is part of "House on mango Street" to help kids think about the origins of their names, and there are a variety of activities leading up to an essay. i am really excited to read their essays--i found out one girl has a hidden name, i have twins named steven and stephon (yes, seriously), identical twin girls, nicknames, african names, asian names...the list goes on and on. it is really cool! and i get to tell them a little bit about myself through talking about *my* name, also. overall, good activity so far. i guess it's a little slow but i always go a little slow.

and, TFA is off my back. now, i am supporting the new TFA teachers are my school. so much easier! i get to do what i want....and that is nice. i mean, obviously i am still accountable in a lot of ways to a lot of people, but it just feels a little bit different. thank goodness!!

a few of my major goals for the year are helping students stay more organized by doing binders or notebooks, and staying more organized myself; ending class on time; doing grammar (haven't done much yet). more soon.